I recently went through something that I had written when I was 18. It was definitely a random, teenage rant. I remember writing it during the phase when I had little bit of insomnia, had recently finished reading Twilight (the book isn't that bad) and had heard the song "Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg. This deadly combination made me think that it was high time that I started noting down my thoughts in some form. That piece was the first time I had written anything in my life.
Now, when I read that piece again, I noticed that I have changed so much in three years. Then, I believed in God (now, I am more of an agnostic); love was a desirable concept (now, it's vague); I was more hopeful (now, I am more realistic, practical); I was so naive, so gullible (maybe, I still am).
Anywho, I wrote something, with broken thoughts and blurred direction. And it's called..
I think that possibly or maybe I'm falling for you….
Life goes on and on, you do different things, meet different people and see different things. No matter how much people tell you to do something, you’ll always end up doing things that you think are right at that moment.
I see darkness. No dreams, no images, no colour. I think weariness has taken over me. Everything looks so blank. There is something missing, I can sense it. I know that if I open my eyes the darkness will vanish and then there shall be light, but then I would be crowded with tsunami of thoughts, thoughts about everything and everyone, which I resent. So I'm trying to run far away from them.
There are too many things going on in this world. Things which I can understand, I'm trying to understand and some which are beyond my understanding. Things have become too complex, for better and for worse.
But, somehow we have lost the true essence and meaning of things. Priorities have changed. Right things seem wrong and wrong things seem right.
Now that’s what everyone says who goes through a rough patch. It’s a basic human nature. You realize the importance of things when they are missing from your life. Life is like a jigsaw puzzle, you keep on joining the
pieces until you can see the whole picture, every single piece counts. If you lose a piece then you won’t be able to complete the picture. Small things matter.
(What am I doing? I shouldn't get stressed about all this. This is just a phase. Things will happen at the right time. This hollow phase will soon be yesterday and so I have to make way for tomorrow. There's no time for crowding my mind with useless thoughts. This is just a phase, just a phase. Quickly snap out of it).
New things attract everyone. It’s something like dangling a new shiny toy in front of a kid. A year and a half ago I was so close to the people around me, but now I think that someone has reset my life. Everything feels so different. It doesn't feel welcoming and pleasant. It feels as if someone painted whitewash over a beautiful painting. Now, everything is so blank. The comfort level is gone. It surprises me how quickly strangers become your closest friends and in the very next moment they are transformed into something that they already were, strangers.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm standing in the middle of the street and everyone is just passing by me as if they are in some kind of hurry. If you screamed, danced, cried, laughed or tried to do anything to get their attention, they would never stop. They would just ignore and keep on walking.
Curiosity kills, that is why Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge, of good and evil. But, by doing this they disobeyed the orders of the God. They sinned, and so they died. The Lion fell in love with a Lamb - no matter how powerful Edward was, he wasn't able to read Bella’s mind and so he was curious to know her, that made him fall in love with her. Here, Bella was the forbidden fruit for Edward and visa versa. This made them fall irrevocably in love with each other. Did they sin?
I wonder how it would be, when someone will actually stop and notice. Will that person mean something to me? Will that person be curious to know about me? What will happen? I don’t know about that person, but I would be more curious to know about him. I would wonder what made him stop and notice me. What did he think I was like? Where was he going? Did he think that it was a waste of time to stop? Or did he really want to stop? This is what I would think at that moment, no other queries will cross my mind. When this moment will pass more thoughts will come across my mind and that will take away the hollow emptiness inside me. I won’t be bothered
by these thoughts, but they would take me into a trance, it would be something like going to Neverland, where Peter Pan got to be a kid forever.
Being noticed is not wrong or bad. It just shows the curiosity of the other person. It is not necessary that a person who stops in the middle of the crowed to notice you should fall in love with you. It only means that there was some connection between you and that person. You cannot explain the depth of that connection, but it means a lot.
God has different means and ways to show us our path. He help us differentiate from what is right and wrong. Déjà-vu, voodoo, serendipity, tarot cards, crystal balls, so on and so on, does any of this make any sense?
When I was a kid I dreamt that I had the power to freeze time. I would freeze time and then observe the people, creatures and things which stood motionless around me. But my power had a loop hole. Whenever I froze time I would feel some one was calling me. Not verbally, but I would want me to meet them. It wasn't a bad feeling but it felt as if someone of great importance, a person who can transform my life and give a new meaning to it was calling me. I had to meet that person, but I dint feel like going on a quest to find that person. I wanted things to progress gradually and then eventually meet that person when the time was right. I never knew why I felt that. The intensity of this feeling was different at different times or situations and whenever it got stronger I would lose control over my power and things would get back to normal again.
I still get this dream. I know that it’s just a dream, but it's so powerful. It calls for me. Whenever I dream about it I wish that it doesn't end and I get to know what it means and how it ends.
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I still wish the same...don't we all?
